


Yin and Yang

by EdithBlake



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Best Friends, First Kiss, Fluff and Angst, Friendship/Love, Idiots in Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Mother-Son Relationship, Original Character Death(s), Past Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-12
Updated: 2019-12-12
Packaged: 2021-02-26 03:55:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,764
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21767194
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EdithBlake/pseuds/EdithBlake
Summary: January 6th is a very hard day for Buck. It's the anniversary of his mother's death and for the first time in years he is working on the 6th. Buck finds himself lashing out at the people who love him the most. At the end of the day, he finds himself in the arms of the man he loves the most and knows that tomorrow is a new day.
Relationships: Athena Grant/Bobby Nash, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Eddie Diaz, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz, Maddie Buckley/Howie “Chimney” Han
Comments: 30
Kudos: 710





	Yin and Yang

**Author's Note:**

> This is kinda heavy...Please consider this when reading it....get some kleenex and some tea and someone to hug you after.

January 6th was always a hard day for Buck. Normally, he always seemed to get it off from work by coming up with some sort of excuse. This year, he forgot about it. That’s never really happened before but with everything that has happened in the last few months, it didn’t really surprise him. He hadn’t even really realized until he was brushing his teeth and glanced down at his phone and saw the date staring back at him. He hated himself for forgetting. Part of him wanted to call Bobby and give some lame ass excuse about being sick but… It was too short notice for Bobby to find someone to cover him and leaving them a man down made Buck’s stomach churn with guilt. Buck sighed as he spat out the toothpaste and instead of feeling fresh, he had a bitter taste in his mouth. He went through the motions of the rest of his morning routine. He gelled his hair, got dressed, ate a decent breakfast and grabbed his wallet, duffle bag and keys. Buck was stopped at a red light when the song ‘These Dreams by Heart’ played on the radio. It was a punch to the gut. The numbers of times he heard that song. He gripped the steering wheel tighter and changed the station. Buck pulled up and noticed that Eddie’s truck was right behind him. Buck closed his eyes and tried to force a smile. He dug deep and turned off the engine as Eddie pulled up next to him. Buck got out of his jeep and grabbed his duffel bag from the back seat. Eddie was doing the same for his own duffel.  
“Hey, man.” Eddie smiled brightly at him and Buck forced a grin onto his face.

“Morning, Eddie.” Buck greeted as he pulled his duffel onto his shoulder. 

Eddie blinked at him and frowned. “You alright, man?” Eddie asked and Buck forced his grin to widen. 

“Yeah, man. Just a bit tired.” Buck waved him off but Eddie was still looking at him with a frown. 

“Buck?” Eddie grabbed him by the arm just before they walked into the station. 

Buck turned to him and strained another grin onto his face. 

“What’s up?” Buck tried to deflect but Eddie was looking at him with slight worry. 

“You sure you’re good?” Eddie asked again and Buck had to count to five in his head to keep from snapping at him. 

“I’m fine, Eddie. Like I said, I’m just a bit tired.” Buck reassured and gave him a wooden smile. 

Eddie was staring at him again with unease. Buck raised an eyebrow at him. 

“I’ve been tired before, Eddie. I’ll be fine.” Buck shrugged and went to walk into the station only to be stopped by Eddie’s grip on his arm. 

Buck sighed turning to him trying to keep the annoyance he felt off his face. 

“That’s exactly it, man. I’ve seen you tired before. This doesn’t seem like that’s all that’s going on, here.” Eddie stated with furrowed brows.

“What do you mean?” Buck asked confused and Eddie ran a hand through his hair looking unnerved. 

“Your eyes...They’re lacking their usual spark.” Eddie muttered awkwardly and Buck blinked. 

Of course, Eddie would noticed something as stupid as his eyes. 

“You’re being paranoid, man. I’m good, scout’s honour.” Buck lied through his teeth and Eddie frowned but nodded letting him go.  
They walked into the station and into the locker room. Buck thanked the heavens that Chim was there to distract Eddie. He could finally drop the smile on his face. His cheeks hurt. He changed into his uniform and stared at his reflection in the mirror of his locker and winced. He looked away and looked at the picture of Christopher he had in his locker and felt a tiny bit better. Buck closed his locker door and walked up the stairs to the kitchen and common area of the station. Chim was sitting on a stool and speaking to Bobby, who was cooking something in the kitchen. Hen was sitting on the couch with Eddie talking about setting up another playdate for Denny and Christopher. Buck could do this. They were his family. He was in the best place for his mental health right now, wasn’t he? He jumped slightly as his pocket vibrated. He pulled out his phone.

From Maddie:  
Love you little brother xox

Buck closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

To Maddie:  
Love you too sis xox

He pocketed his phone and leaned against the railing. He looked down at the previous shift leaving to go home. He felt the brush of an arm against his own. Eddie. 

“Hey, man. You catch that sick play last night, I thought for sure we were screwed until they came back in the second half with that classic…” Eddie cut him off.

“What’s going on, Buck?” Eddie kept his voice low so only Buck could hear him. 

Buck smiled at him stiffly. “Dude, you need to turn off dad mode. I’m fine. Just a bit sleepy. I’m sorry if I can’t get the Dumbledore twinkle back into my eyes right now but I’m literally still waking up okay.” Buck smirked and at least that felt a bit more easy to do. 

Eddie wrinkled his nose at him. “Why are you lying to me?” Eddie asked sounding a bit hurt and Buck wanted to fling himself off the railing. 

“I don’t know what you want from me, man?” Buck sighed finally feeling his patience wearing thin. 

Eddie frowned at him and looked over his shoulder for a second before looking back at Buck.  
“I just want you to let me help.” Eddie whispered and Buck closed his eyes. 

“For fuck sakes, Eddie! You’re not my father, you’re not my boyfriend, you’re just a work colleague so back off!” Buck growled.

Eddie stared at him like Buck had just punched him in the gut. Buck closed his eyes. He regretted the words as soon as they left his mouth. He could feel eyes on them. He glanced around to see Chim staring at them with wide eyes, Hen had a hand to her mouth and Bobby was frowning. 

“And here I thought we were best friends...guess the joke’s on me right?” Eddie laughed bitterly. 

Buck sighed. “Eddie...That came out wrong.” Buck tried but Eddie just shook his head. 

“Don’t sweat it, Buckley. You made yourself perfectly clear.” Eddie scoffed before walking away. 

If Buck had to guess...Eddie was heading straight to a punching bag. Buck sighed running a hand through his hair.

“What the hell was that?” Hen asked with slight outrage as she glared at Buck. 

“I told him to back off. He wasn’t listening.” Buck told her and she huffed. 

“He was worried about you!” Hen scolded and Buck glared at her.

“I didn’t ask him to be!” Buck raised his voice and threw his hands up and earned a look of pure surprise by Hen. 

“That’s enough! Buckley, my office now!” Bobby ordered and Buck shot Hen a dark look. 

She was frowning at him and Chim walked over to put a comforting hand on her shoulder as Buck followed Bobby to his office. Once inside, Bobby leaned against his desk and raised an eyebrow at him. 

“You mind telling me what is going on with you?” Bobby asked as he pinched the bridge of his nose.

“I’m fine.” Buck stated keeping his voice leveled. 

“Raising your voice at Hen? That’s not like you. And what you said to Eddie…” Bobby trailed off and Buck wanted to punch a wall. 

“With all due respect, Captain. Either reprimand me or let me get back to work.” Buck crossed his arms and Bobby frowned. 

“You’re a real piece of work today, Buckley. Get back to work.” Bobby waved him off and Buck left his office closing the door a bit too harshly. 

He later found himself in the bunk room scrolling through flower packages on his phone. He sat cross-legged on the bed. Nothing seemed to catch his interest. The same old arrangements over and over again. Roses...tulips...lilies...Nothing was working for him. He sighed and leaned the back of his head against the wall. 

“Fuck…”He breathed out.

He probably just ruined the best thing that has ever happened to him. Eddie...That wasn’t going to be an easy fix, if Buck could fix it at all. He felt the bile rise in his throat. He can’t think about that right now. He scrolled through some more flower packages. Pink daisies caught his eye. He sighed and entered his credit card number. He typed in the address. He walked back out of the bunk room and was a bit annoyed that they haven’t had a single call yet, this was Los Angeles for Christ sakes. He saw Eddie and Hen cuddled up on the couch together. He saw Chim in the arm chair and Bobby sitting on the arm of the couch. He sighed when…

~These dreams go on when I close my eyes  
Every second of the night I live another life  
These dreams that sleep when it's cold outside  
Every moment I'm awake the further I'm away~

Buck felt the anger surge through him...what the fuck was with this song being on every fucking goddamn radio station. Buck didn’t even realize that he threw his phone until Chim was picking it up off the floor. 

“Jesus Buck! You nearly took my head off.” Chim growled at him and Buck blinked at him. 

Bobby was glaring at him and Buck wanted to apologize but the goddamn song was taunting him. 

“Can someone shut that goddamn song off!” Buck snarled and Hen jumped slightly and Buck wanted to kick his own ass but he was just too angry to stop himself from going over and nearly smashing the small speaker in order to turn it off. 

Buck knew he was breathing heavily. 

“Real nice, man.” He heard Eddie growl out but he barely heard him. 

“Buck you are way out of lin…”Bobby was cut off by the alarm and Buck sighed in relief.

He was halfway down the stairs when Bobby grabbed his arm.

“You leave it here. We clear.” Bobby asked and Buck nodded. 

He automatically got in next to Eddie only for Eddie to switch seats with Chim. He winced slightly. They pulled up to a pretty bad pile up on the highway. Bobby was shouting out orders left and right and Buck felt the bile rise again. Of course, his first call would be multiple car accidents. The universe just loved to fuck with him. He compartmentalized every feeling he was having and got to work. He grabbed the jaws and started on one car to the next car to the next car. He was sweating through his gear and his heart was pumping erratically in his chest but he kept going. 

“Give me a turn with the jaws, man.” Eddie grumbled albeit more softly than Buck deserved. 

“I’m fine!” Buck mumbled.

“If you say you’re fine, one more time, I will fucking knock you out. Give me the damn jaws and take a fucking break before you pass out.” Eddie growled and Buck glared before passing the jaws and going to assist Chim with one of the victims. 

Buck was shooed away pretty fast by Chim...He probably was still mad about the whole phone to the head thing…

Buck sighed and leaned against the truck. He felt someone next to him and blinked in surprise to see Athena next to him. When did she even get here?

“My husband told me you were being a jackass today.” Athena mentioned casually and Buck frowned. 

“Bobby called me a jackass?” Buck asked with a pout and Athena smirked. 

“Actually, I’m being polite...he called you much worse.” Athena shrugged and Buck sighed closing his eyes. 

“Great...Fan-Fucking-Tastic.” Buck grumbled and felt Athena’s eyes on him. 

“Never heard you curse before…” Athena stated with concern and Buck wanted to cry.

“I’m not really myself today.” Buck muttered and Athena snorted.

“You don’t say? What’s going on with you?” Athena asked and Buck shook his head. 

Athena’s eyes soften and she put a hand on his arm and Buck could feel the tears welling up in his eyes. 

“Buck? Evan, you can talk to me, sweetheart.” Athena whispered softly and Buck closed his eyes. 

“I just miss my mom.” Buck choked out and he felt the grip on his arm tighten just the slightest bit.  
“Maybe you should call her?” Athena suggested and Buck sighed. 

“Know any good mediums? A place where I can get a good discount on a seance?” Buck asked sarcastically.

The soft ‘oh’ he got in return made him feel sick. 

“I’m sorry I didn’t know.” Athena frowned up at him and Buck sighed. 

“Car accident. I was fourteen. January 6th 2006. I forgot...This morning I got up and was midway through brushing my teeth when it dawned on me. What kind of asshole forgets the day his mother died?” Buck blurted out as he shifted from boot to boot. 

Athena was in front of him in seconds and looking him in the eye.

“Listen to me Evan Buckley and listen to me close. When I first met you, I thought you were an arrogant self-centered brat. I couldn’t have been more wrong. You are not only one of the kindest sweetest compassionate men, I’ve had the honor of calling my family but you are also a damn good firefighter. You’ve saved so many lives, sweetheart. So many lives and you fought tooth and nail to keep saving lives when most people would have given up. You are resilient, brave and a damn good man. I know for a fact that your mother is looking down on you with nothing but pride and is proud of the man you have become.” Athena told him and Buck couldn’t keep the small choke sob from escaping his tight throat. 

Athena pulled him into a hug and Buck brought his lips to her ear. “Thank you...I really really needed that.” Buck whispered and Athena pulled away to smile at him.

“Anytime.” Athena told him and Buck gathered himself. 

“If you could not say anything. I need to fix this...Fix things with the team and I need to do it without them pitying me. It’s the only way to make it right.” Buck muttered rubbing the back of his neck and Athena smiled at him. 

“Of course.” Athena nodded and Buck bit his lip. 

“I uh… I love you...You know in a weird way…” Buck wanted the ground to swallow him whole. 

He heard Athena snort. “ I love you too, you know in a weird way.” She replied patting his arm before going to find Bobby. 

Buck needed to find a way to get the team to forgive him. The whole way back to the station he tried coming up with a few ideas but everything seemed to fall short. He found Chim first, he was detailing the truck after the call. 

“Listen, man. I’m so…” Chim held up a hand.

“You don’t have to apologize, man. I get it. I’ve been there.” Chim gave him a knowing look and Buck blinked. 

“Maddie…” Buck muttered and Chim nodded. 

“I didn’t tell the others...figured you would on your own time. You know once you got your head out of your ass.” Chim teased and Buck knew that they were okay. 

“I’m still sorry, man.” Buck stated firmly and Chim clapped his shoulder. 

“Yeah well, I’m kinda glad you snapped. I was starting to think you were too perfect. It was freaking me out.” Chim mocked him and it was exactly what Buck needed from him. 

“Glad to be of service...How’s Maddie?” Buck asked and Chim smiled. 

“She’s good as she can be. We are going to dinner tonight. I’m hoping it will help a bit.” Chim said with a shrug and Buck nodded. 

“I know I give you two a hard time, but I’m really glad you are in her life, Chim. And mine.” Buck stated and Chim wiped a fake tear from his eye.

“Yeah, yeah. I love you too. Now go make up with Hen. I can’t stand her moping anymore.” Chim shooed him away and Buck laughed. 

He found Hen in the common area. She was reading a book on the couch. He gently sat down next to her and she shifted away from him. He sighed. 

“I’m an ass.” Buck stated and Hen turned slightly towards him.

“I’m listening.” She muttered and Buck ran a hand over his face. 

“I had absolutely no right to raise my voice at you this morning. You were only looking out for me and Eddie. I shouldn’t have even put you in that position in the first place. I’m sorry about the speaker...the thought of you being scared of me, makes me physically ill. You’re like a sister to me...you are a sister to me and the fact that I even made you the tiniest bit uncomfortable around me is not okay...I’m so sorry, Hen.” Buck rushed out and Hen sighed closing her book. 

“What’s going on with you, Buckaroo? That was not like you at all.” Hen asked and Buck took a deep breath. 

“You know how I never work on the 6th of January…” Hen blinked confused. 

“You don’t?” Hen tilted her head and Buck shook his.

“I didn’t last year or the one before...I don’t because it’s a really...really hard day for me...that’s no excuse but...It’s the anniversary of my mom’s death and sometimes I let it get to me and I’m…” Buck was nearly tackled to the couch as Hen wrapped her arms around him in a tight hug.  
“You could have started with that…” Hen whispered into his shoulder and Buck sighed.

“I didn’t want you to forgive me out of pity or…” Hen slapped his shoulder. 

“I forgave you the moment you sat down. I can’t stay mad at you. You know that. You’re my guy.” Hen told him and Buck smiled at her.

“And you’re my girl. I love you.” Buck smiled and Hen pecked his cheek. 

“Plus you didn’t scare me. I would kick your ass in a fight.” Hen teased and Buck huffed. 

“Not so sure about that but whatever you need to tell yourself.” Buck laughed and Hen smirked before looking down at her lap. 

“Eddie’s not going to be as easy as this. You really hurt him.” Hen mumbled and Buck winced. 

“I’m saving him for last. Bobby’s next.” Buck told her and Hen sighed. 

“Word of advice for Eddie?” Hen grabbed his hand and Buck nodded. 

“Don’t bro it out...be real.” Hen told him and Buck blinked. 

“What do you mean?” Buck asked and Hen gave him a knowing look. 

“You know what I mean, Buckaroo.” Hen said patting his leg and getting up. 

Buck frowned and walked over to the kitchen where Bobby was chopping peppers. 

“Bobby…” Buck started rubbing the back of his neck.

“My wife said that if I didn’t forgive you she would divorce me? Mind telling me why she said that?” Bobby asked amused and Buck choked slightly.

“You have every right not to...I was disrespectful and my behavior was so far out of line…” Buck started and Bobby was smiling at him and Buck frowned in confusion. 

“You’ve come a long way from the boy on the roof.” Bobby said and Buck frowned at him.  
“What?” Buck asked confused. 

“You’ve grown so much in the past year. It’s...I’m proud of you.” Bobby said pointing his knife at Buck and he was extremely confused. 

“I acted like a giant asshole and you are saying you are proud of me?” Buck blinked and Bobby laughed. 

“That fact that you recognized that you were in the wrong and came to talk to me man to man. That’s something I wouldn’t have thought you would ever be capable of in your first few months here. Now look at you. You came back from an injury most would have never thought possible of coming back from. You are in your own place and talking about reers and retirement plans. You are raising a kid. That’s pretty amazing.” Bobby smiled and Buck’s breath left him.

“Raising a kid?” Buck shook his head and Bobby gave him a knowing look. 

“What’s Christopher’s favorite color?” Bobby asked and Buck blinked but shrugged.

“That’s a trick question, it changes every week, right now he is into purple but last week was definitely an orange week.” Buck smiled and Bobby laughed.

“You know Eddie was talking to Athena about adoption laws...It was casual but I just thought you should know.” Bobby told him and Buck felt his head ring.

“Eddie isn’t seeing anyone.” Buck muttered and Bobby rolled his eyes. 

“Why would he when he has you? You two are practically already married. Just because it hasn’t turned physical yet…” Buck choked on the piece pepper he had swiped.

“Yet?” Buck stared at him and Bobby laughed.

“Buck…” Bobby sighed and Buck blushed.

“That obvious, huh?” Buck asked shyly and Bobby smiled.

“I’ve had your HR papers filed and ready to go for months now.” Bobby laughed and Buck blushed even more. 

“So we are good?” Buck asked and Bobby nodded. 

“Of course, we are, kid.” Bobby said and Buck hesitated looking down. 

“Athena...She helped me through today. I um...I lost my mom on the 6th a few years back. The song...These Dreams...It was her favorite. She played it all the time, when she was cooking in the kitchen… I know it’s not an excuse or anything...Just thought you should know.” Buck saw Bobby’s feet in his line of sight and looked up to see him with his arms open. 

Buck hugged him and Bobby sighed. 

“I know the pain that comes with loss, Evan. I’m glad you told me.” Bobby told him and Buck smiled pulling away. 

“You might have to feel that pain again...I still have to talk to Eddie and I think he might actually kill me.” Buck joked but there was a grain of fear in his voice. 

Bobby laughed. “Yeah, you are going to need to pull out all the stops for that one.” Bobby patted his shoulder pushing him forward. 

“He’s in the bunk room.” Bobby called out and Buck sighed.  
Here goes nothing...everything. He thought as he pushed open the door to the bunk room and then closed it. Eddie was throwing a stress ball up and down as he laid on his back on the bed. He didn’t spare Buck a glance.

“You’re not just a work colleague.” Buck whispered into the room but Eddie ignored him. 

Buck sighed and walked over and sat down on the floor with his back against the bed frame. He drew his knees up and put his chin in between them.

“My mom died today.” Buck heard the ball stop. 

“Well not today today...just on the 6th. I was fourteen. Maddie had just left to marry Doug. It was a good morning though. My mom had this thing about how she would wake me up in the morning. She would gently caress my face...kinda like how Christopher does it. She was so patient with my teenage ass. I would be so difficult to get up in the morning to get ready for school. She made me breakfast every morning before she went to work...never missed one. She made me a cheese omelet that morning. She was jamming out to These Dreams...She could really sing. I just remember leaning in the doorway of our kitchen and watching her, thinking my mom’s the biggest dork’ but like in a good way. She gave me my omelet grabbed her keys and kissed my cheek and told me she loved me before walking out the front door. That was the last time I saw her alive. Maddie called me at school. Drunk driver ran a red light...Next thing I know it just me and...my dad. They were divorce and I spent my whole time with my mom. I hated going to my dad’s place. He was...Just not a great guy and definitely not made to be a father. I don’t know how I managed to make it those four years in that house with him.” Buck felt a hand on his shoulder squeezing it comfortingly. 

“I tried to put on a smile and pretend that today was just like any other day but than you knew right off the bat… of course you did. You always know when I need you...I guess I just felt like I was betraying her or something...that I was making about me if I...If I broke down or…”Buck rambled and he heard a deep sigh. 

“Get up here, man.” Eddie whispered and Buck slowly got to this feet before sinking down next to Eddie who pulled him up against his chest. 

“You’re not a work colleague but you are not my best friend either.” Buck whispered and he felt Eddie tense behind him.  
“You’re my soulmate, man.” Buck closed his eyes and waited for Eddie’s response. 

“Two halves to one whole.” Eddie whispered into his ear and Buck nodded. 

“Yin and Yang.” Buck nodded as he rubbed circles into Eddie’s arm around his waist. 

“I’m sorry about your mother. She sounded like a great woman. The fact that she gave the world you is a testament to that.” Eddie gripped him tighter and Buck smiled.

“She would have loved you. She would have spoiled Christopher so much…” Buck felt the tears start to fall and Eddie pulled him closer.

“Let it out, man. Just let go. I’m right here.” Eddie muttered lowly and Buck let it out. 

He cried silently as Eddie held him and he felt like he could finally breathe. 

“I guess I finally get it…” Eddie whispered and Buck blinked.  
“Get what?” Buck asked and he felt Eddie shift closer.

“Surviving multiple fires, the ladder truck...the tsunami...You got yourself a guardian angel.” Eddie stated and Buck turned over into his arms. 

“That’s a nice thought. I also like to think the fires and ladder truck also have to do with my good luck charm.” Buck blushed softly and Eddie raised an eyebrow. 

“Good luck charm?” He asked and Buck nervously pulled a piece of metal from his work pants and handed to Eddie who frowned in confusion. 

“You don’t recognize it?” Buck asked blushing and Eddie blinked at him.

“Should I?” Eddie asked and Buck bit his lip.

“It’s a piece of the ambulance...When you guys went to go find us a place to eat...I ran back and grabbed a piece…” Buck mumbled and Eddie stared down at the piece with slight awe. 

“You kept a piece from our first…” Eddie choked and Buck smiled.  
“From the first call that we truly were partners...yeah.” Buck blushed and Eddie stared at him.

“And you keep it on you? When you are working?” Eddie asked still in slight disbelief.

“I like a little piece of you with me at all times when I’m working. Keeps me centered.” Buck shrugged but Eddie was on top of him in seconds. 

Buck stared up at him wide-eyed. 

“You are the most...god... I can’t even begin...You…” Eddie sighed running a hand through his hair.

Buck smiled up at him. “Did I break you?” Buck asked and Eddie stared down at him.

“No...You just made me whole.” Eddie whispered before leaning down and gently almost hesitantly kissed him.

Buck closed his eyes and brought one hand to the small of Eddie’s back and the other to his jaw. Carla was right about his bone structure. 

“I love you. I love everything about you.” Eddie whispered against his lips and Buck smiled.

“You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. I love you and Christopher so much. Maybe Christopher just a tad more but…”Buck couldn’t help but tease and he saw Eddie’s smile turn blinding.

“There it is…” Eddie traced Buck’s jawline.

“There what is?” Buck asked and Eddie smiled softly. 

“Your spark.” Eddie whispered before reclaiming Buck’s lips.


End file.
